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Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Mansanas (Inspired by a true story) Part 5

V.

Araw araw kong pinapatay ang sarili ko noon.

Pero hindi pa siguro ang pagiyak sa bawat segundo ng buhay ko noon. Hindi na rin ako pumasok sa eskwela. Nagkulong na lang ako sa kwarto, pilit hinuhugasan ang sariling awa sa iyak. nakaksampung beses na rin ako kung maligo sa isang araw pero lubos atang hindi ko na maaalis ang dumi at nakakalasong alinsangan ng kababuyan na napagdaanan ko. Kahit ilang beses kong hilurin ang namumula at nanakit ko nang balat hindi ko na siguro mabubura ang ala-ala na anim o pitong tao ang gumamit nitong nilamusak kong katawan. Ilang linggo ko na ring pilit ipagdasal na humiwalay sa napakadumi kong katawan at makawala sa sakit na pilit akong pinapaslang. Nagsimula akong magsuka at mahilo. Siguro dahil sa matinding pagkamuhi sa mga lalaki sa mundo, matinding galit sa sarili ko at matinding pagkairita sa mundo na kung bakit kailangan kong pagdaanan itong lahat ng ito.

Tumupad ako sa kasunduan namin ng mga demonyo. Hindi ko sinabi kahit kanino man. Paano ko naman siguro masasabi eh sa tuwing tatanungin ako ni mommy walang salita ang lumalabas sa bibig ko dahil na rin sa matitinding hikbi at pag ungal ko sa tuwing naalala ko ang bawat segundong sinunog ako sa impyerno. Wala na ring magawa sina mommy kundi umiyak at kitang kita ko ang matinding takot sa mata nila ni daddy dahil saksing-saksi sila sa masalimuot at halos ikamatay ko nang sakit na hindi nila masabi kung ano ang dahilan.

Nagpatuloy ang panghihina ko. At halata ko sa kulay ko ang matinding pamumutla. Hindi ko magawang lumabas ng bahay kaya't nagpatawag nalang sila daddy ng doktor. Doon ko nalaman, buntis pala ako.

Noong narinig nila mommy ang balita, hindi nila alam ang dapat isipin o gawin. Tumitig lang sila sa akin ng nanlilisik ang mata pero walang lumabas sa bunganga niya. Umiiyak din ako noon at inihanda ang sasabihin kong katotohanan sa kanila. At sa puntong pagalit na tinalikuran ako ni mommy saka ko nasabing narape ako.

Hindi madali sa akin ang tanggapin na ang kademonyohang ginawa sa akin ay magbubunga ng isang inosenteng tao sa sinapupunan ko. Hindi ko kayang masikmura na madadamay sa karumaldumal na nangyari sa akin ang isang anghel na walang kamuwang muwang. Paano nalang pagnagtanong kung sino ang ama niya? Paano ko palalakihin ito? Paano kung hindi ko kaya?

Isinalaysay ko ang lahat lahat kina mommy at sa unang pagkakataon, nakita ko si daddy na umiyak na parang aatakihin na sa puso. Galit siya. Galit na galit. Hindi niya alam ang gagawin niya sa kalagayan ng nagiisa nilang anak na ngayon ay pinagdadaanan ang isa sa pinakamalupit na magagawa ng tadhana. Gusto niya raw pumatay ng tao. Gusto kong aminin na ako rin. gusto kong pumaslang ng tao. Kahit sino. May pagbuhusan lang itong sama ng loob at pagkamuhi ko. Pero alam kong hindi pupwedeng mangyari yun. Kaya't kasama si mommy, pilit naming pinigilan si daddy na nagwawala.

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